Not fun. – It’s all I want to first empathize.
I’m no longer a fresh graduate. I got out of ITE College on 10 of March (final examination paper) and have yet to collect my certificate because I gave graduation day a miss for reasons that I made obvious.
Friendships were realer when our only concern was to choose the shade to fill the sun in.
I wasn’t brave enough to get out. I felt helpless, hopeless, trapped, abused, horrified, worthless for months.
We’re at the point where all we want is to survive. I’d like to believe that some abusers abuse you without even realizing if the abuse isn’t physical. Victims also tend to return to their abusers because they truly believed that’s what they deserve. You can say it’s all in my head but you ought to know that if I was in such deep fear, it is not just in my fucking head.
I am blogging this not to flame anyone, I really needed to get this out somewhere and to share my experience and hopefully help someone. Times when people tell me they have no choice, I’d always say everybody has a choice. Well, not for this matter. Despite having people wanting to help me, I tell them it’s okay because I don’t want to make things worse – I did not have a choice.
I have never gotten a panic attack my whole life no matter how anxious I got but have had started to get them after this traumatizing emotional abuse. It may not seem like the worst but it definitely has affected a significant amount of my life. I thought to myself, I can’t go to the police because 01. it’ll ruin the other’s life and 02. what will the case be? but my life is on the line.
Don’t tell me you won’t kill me then do or say something to make me feel so fucking threatened.
P.S: Please scroll all the way down to see the few screenshots of conversation of earlier in the relationship.
I get fired at by her when I say I’m not free, let alone if I change plans last minute like that like her.