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Letting Go 5 Years Worth Of Hard Work

April 15, 2017

Something I hold dearest; played the biggest part in the hardest and most fruitful stage of my life. I want to let go. I am desperate to let go and maybe, start again.

I needed the change. I was starting to stress over a past I could not change, who I was before is not who I am now and I feel sick knowing it’s part of my work, part of something I should be fully proud of. Kinda embarrassed not gonna lie. Though I love that we have the privilege to look back at how much we’ve grown at the click of a button, and I surely am proud of who I’ve become but I wasn’t proud of who I was. That’s when I started to take breaks from YouTube.

Felt like shit being away from the only thing you feel like you’ve achieved so far in life. The worries that came with it and the pressure you splash on yourself when you’re wanting to come back. It almost feels like a relationship you want so bad that’s just not working out. With slightly over a thousand subscribers but only that little view counts, I really don’t know what went wrong but that definitely added to the urge to leave everything behind so that’s exactly what I decided to do.

Yes, I am letting go of my old YouTube channel – one I’ve put in nothing but 5 years worth of effort and love into. I won’t delete the channel or any of the videos because I’m such a memory hoarder and now here’s my new YouTube channel; no custom URL yet, so ugly I know, but if you still care at all, do subscribe. See you all there for a new adventure x


My 21st Birthday

January 4, 2017

Your twenty first birthday should be a big one they say. I see no difference except I’m constantly being asked on how I’m going to celebrate it. It’s already been decided that it’ll be low key this year when I held one last year. While I sit back and prepare to sleep off my 21st, Kelvin has been going on about how stressed he as my birthday was nearing but I got to give him an A+ for effort because he has never had to plan anything for anyone, so I was also like the white rat as translated from one being the first to experience something new from the other. Did that make any sense?

Antoinette has always been my to-go for high tea, catch up sessions and early birthday dinner for the past 3 years. This year was no exception, my mom, my aunt and I went to hammer my cravings and I BLEW A FREAKING CANDLE. The excitement was real because I was collecting the number of times I blew a candle for my 21st. Total of 3 times including one at work.

I secretly dreamt to dine at Ramsey’s restaurant in New York so when he launch Bread Street Kitchen in Singapore, you bet I freaked out. We booked a table for Gordon Ramsey’s Bread Street Kitchen one month before and I was crazy looking forward to it. The time has finally arrived and it was an amazing experience, I especially liked their very well made sauces. The place is filled with love and welcoming arms. If I were to compare this with Salt Grill & Sky Bar because they are quite similar in some ways I can’t describe, I’d say that Bread Street Kitchen is more of a casual restaurant with very high standards while Salt Grill & Sky Bar is a formal restaurant with also, very high standards. Bread Street Kitchen suits my taste bud better (their starter basket of breads ARE OUT OF THE WORLD BRILLIANT by the way) but I won’t avoid going back to Salt Grill & Sky Bar for its well-kept high standards. Also, Bread Street Kitchen was surprisingly affordable when the bill came.

Kelvin directed me (with a full bladder) to the sky garden and from the clown craze, IS SOMETHING GOING TO JUMP OUT TO SCARE ME I asked in horror looking left and right through the dimmed lights. He handed me a red packet and I knew for sure it’s not going to be money.

I was suspecting a staycation because it was what I needed most but I didn’t want to give myself empty hopes so I was basically ready to accept anything that’s coming. I made my doubtful guess and look deep into the red packet, IT IS A FUCKING HOTEL ACCESS CARD. Turns out to be that exact hotel I mentioned that it would be a dream to be able to stay there many months ago. I mean he might have already forgotten about it and got lucky, but let’s not burst the bubble that he may have actually remembered.

He got me to wait outside and held a lit cake as I turned. Upon entering, I spot a bouquet from the corner of my eye, and let me tell you, it is the prettiest bouquet yet. It’s a shame we didn’t have much time to enjoy the luxury at Park Royal to the fullest but we made it a point to go back.

A very simple yet meaningful 21st birthday.


November of 2016

December 3, 2016

2 November 2016, Wednesday

I skipped class today. So rebellious. If you read my previous few days from the October’s post, it’s no secret that I’m prepared for what’s to come. But really I was just extremely tired, wanted to rest and convinced myself that I’m going to revise for my paper and get my video ready for upload. Revising didn’t happen.

3 November 2016, Thursday

I’m on bed with my MacBook Pro doing my online work and it’s been awhile since I sense a sign like I’m doing the right thing. I feel bad but not really. I feel bad because people has expectations on me and while I set unreachable goals for myself, I understand that sometimes things won’t go the way you want and so I move on; I move on pretty quickly. As I move on, others might still be stuck in the whole “study, because that’s what you’re supposed to do” circus and I feel like the tiger who would just love to go hunting. I need a papers to justify my worth, but one of them may not be for accounting anymore. I graduated what I needed, but I wanted more. I was greedy and the world ain’t gonna feed my greed for my own satisfaction and pride to show everyone how educated I am based on a stupid piece of paper. I am okay. Or so I’ll be after the exam is over.

12 November 2016, Saturday

Haven’t updated but now that it’s over, I feel as free as the clouds. Rant. I have one month to decide whether to push myself into this pool of stress again by registering to retake this paper. I’ve prepared myself to fuck it all if I’m not confident in this paper; I’d still go to classes obviously, I threw in a fucking 4K. I just won’t waste another 200 for each paper I need to take after. 

But because every single one of us is complaining about how we were not taught something that came out in a question worth 16 marks and how the lecturer’s notes were all useless. I don’t know if I should retake. I was stronger in costing than anything else but I got a feeling I’m going to overestimate the paper the next time round and fail it unexpectly. Let’s just see how things go. 

21 November 2016, Monday

I’m pretty much totally over studies now. I wish it’ll never end so I can keep going to classes but I wish to get it over and done with so I can focus on things I’m better at.

Tomorrow is the day of BTO November launch.

3 December 2016, Saturday

Oops. I forgot about this thing I’m doing. Let’s pretend this is the last day of November. See you in next month’s post!


Being an Army Girlfriend

November 5, 2016

I see many girls leaving, many boys crying or ranting. I’ve been through the army journey with a number of guy friends where only one manage to get out uninfluenced, and the only friend who has gotten Kelvin’s approval. I heard the horrors of bad influences and saw a lot myself as friends of NSmen, but since I wasn’t always around the friends in NS, I couldn’t understand the hardship behind being in a relationship with a man (AKA how it’s like being an army girlfriend) in the army until Kelvin got enlisted.

Kelvin and I known each other since the very beginning of time. Became an item when we were 14 but my wild interests let him down and my raccoon eyes scare him away. It took me six years to find my way back to him, and six years for him to finally pick his balls up to confess how he is my sun and I am his moon. 

That was obviously just the summary of us. I smell fried chicken. Ok let’s get back on track.
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October of 2016

October 31, 2016

1 October 2016, Saturday

Happy October! I mentioned in my “comeback” video I’m debating whether if I should post videos that I don’t think are good enough, or videos that I don’t feel very me at all. Yeah, I came to the conclusion not to. It’s still unanswered on the re-filming sector because I hate to re-film; wait, I guess I just answered myself. Never mind.

Kelvin is on duty today that means I have all the time to myself today (MAJOR YES!) and boy am I going to be so productive I may not be able to feel my eyelids at the end of the day. Or I may just stare at the YouTube logo from now till next morning. We’ll see.

10 October 2016, Monday

We finally brought Xya last Saturday to get his first vaccination and a little check up. Yup, Xya turns out to be a boy. Weighing 1.7kg at 3 months old, looking good!

I got my first birthday present from my dad this year, and he don’t ever buy me birthday gifts so I guess when they say 21st birthday is a big thing, it really is. 

18 October 2016, Tuesday

Just want to sleep. Just want to sleep. Need sleep. Other than my desperation to have a week worth of sleep, for once in a long time coming am I excited for my birthday. 

26 October 2016,Wednesday

Grandad’s birthday is a day after mine so yesterday we head over to my grandparents’ place to have dinner. It was nice. And now that all the important dates are marked off the calendar, it’s back to the reality of exhausting and stressful days where my exam is nearing. 

31 October 2016, Monday

Happy Monday. November will be a quick one but really am just worried about my paper next week. The pressure is coming from many different angles and I’m ready to give my best shot then get it over and done with but I’m not ready to sit for it yet. 

Honestly just waiting to see how badly I’ve fucked up, and not whether if I passed or failed. Although it seems like I’ve wasted thousands walking away with nothing, but I’d like to think that I just won’t be getting that piece of paper to acknowledge my knowledge.