April 21, 2015

I wasn’t brave enough to get out. I felt helpless, hopeless, trapped, abused, horrified, worthless for months.

We’re at the point where all we want is to survive. I’d like to believe that some abusers abuse you without even realizing if the abuse isn’t physical. Victims also tend to return to their abusers because they truly believed that’s what they deserve. You can say it’s all in my head but you ought to know that if I was in such deep fear, it is not just in my fucking head.

I am blogging this not to flame anyone, I really needed to get this out somewhere and to share my experience and hopefully help someone. Times when people tell me they have no choice, I’d always say everybody has a choice. Well, not for this matter. Despite having people wanting to help me, I tell them it’s okay because I don’t want to make things worse – I did not have a choice.

I have never gotten a panic attack my whole life no matter how anxious I got but have had started to get them after this traumatizing emotional abuse. It may not seem like the worst but it definitely has affected a significant amount of my life. I thought to myself, I can’t go to the police because 01. it’ll ruin the other’s life and 02. what will the case be? but my life is on the line.

Don’t tell me you won’t kill me then do or say something to make me feel so fucking threatened.

P.S: Please scroll all the way down to see the few screenshots of conversation of earlier in the relationship.

I get fired at by her when I say I’m not free, let alone if I change plans last minute like that like her.


Despite those, I still help all I can.
Study 3Study 4
Study 1Study 2

I can never say no.

I did make things clear.

I don’t know man.

reporting4 - theneedtodosomethingreporting5 - theneedtodosomething
reporting6 - theneedtodosomethingreporting7 - theneedtodosomething
reporting8 - theneedtodosomethingreporting10 - theneedtodosomething

I can’t ignore.
rage 1

I had enough.
rage 2rage 3
rage 4rage 5

Earlier into the relationship. Few months in.

When has saying “I love you” became a way to wish for an argument to stop? Only then. So did I really loved her? Was it just infatuation when I fought with friends and family in the beginning? No fucking idea.

Here’s a conversation between her & my friend

Thereafter I sent out screenshots of the “robot” conversation,

Needless to say, I was fucked right over while she was trying to get my friend to be on her side.

To think of the most ridiculous assumption before it even happens, I used retouch from iPhoto to get rid of the face (for her to have some value to keep and for us to not see something that can’t be unseen). Blogging up till this point, all the gratitude aside, I am utterly disgusted by her.

Note: I never wanted to put our faces as the background wallpaper for whatsapp. I don’t have that tingly feeling enough for me to want to do so. Thank you very much.

That said, I don’t hate her because hating is so tiring. I’m just really disgusted. Not so much that I’d wish death upon her, that’s just nasty but I wish for her to get what she deserves – the good and the bad. Last but not least FINALLY, “fuck you too” (in the most angry tone humanly possible) but thanks for the precious lesson, I would never want to go through that again. Although, if I could, I would stand up for myself the other time around.

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